im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
