it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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