is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He shit in the fireplace
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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