I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
