we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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