I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
