My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
