I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
