I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
