I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
