Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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