If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
