By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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