i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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