you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
third nipple confirmed
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
