If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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