You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
