You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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