Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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