I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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