Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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