Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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