I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
