Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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