I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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