i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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