life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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