Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
