Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You ruined the universe
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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