I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
