I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
