NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
