His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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