If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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