shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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