I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
