I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
