It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm passing your future prison.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
