Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
