You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
