That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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