More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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