Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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