Welp...herpes.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
