I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
