I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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