Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
