my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
