Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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