tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
