you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
