what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
zippers are such a cool invention
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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