you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
